Response to Fortune Editorial
Books, children, career moves and the odds...
Publishing Jitters
It's been a long time since I've had publishing jitters. Journalists know the feeling well. It's that sensation where it feels like the bottom of your stomach is about to fall out of your body, but it never does. It usually occurs right before a story you know some people may not care for is about to go live. I kind of missed that feeling.
No, I have not heard from anyone in leadership yet.
No, I was not in a position to "stay and fix it."
And no, no incandescent team has come for me yet.
I first wanted to thank everyone for subscribing to this newsletter. I have been overwhelmed with sadness and gratitude following the publication of my column in Fortune Magazine. Sadness, because of the number of people who have said, "🙋🏾♀️ me too." And happiness, because you now know you are not alone. My inboxes have exploded, and I apologize if I have not yet responded to your message or if I somehow forgot to respond. (I have a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old for whom I have not yet found daycare, but please follow up as I intend to respond to all messages.) But I want to say again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I am so glad, based on the feedback, that it accomplished what I hoped it would. I wanted to take something abstract and difficult to understand and paint a clear picture of it with words. I find that it is often difficult to answer, "Why did you quit?" with a simple sentence when someone asks you out of the blue, so I am honored I was able to capture the experience of so many so you can feel seen and validated.
I have learned that what I described resonates with so many minorities both in and out of the State Department. And it’s really not fair; you are bright and have worked so hard. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find validation and safety.
Previewing Books as Articles
One good thing about previewing a book idea by writing it as an article or column is that you can get feedback before you are finished with the work.
I don’t know about doing this with fiction because I have tried to write a fiction book in the past and really struggled. However, for nonfiction, this approach has worked for me. This article has spurred multiple group and one-on-one conversations with people on this topic. These conversations give me a better understanding of what people need. I listen to their experiences and the questions they have and then try to ensure that the main structure and theme of the book meet expectations and answer questions I didn’t even think to ask before.
Quite a few people have asked when the book will be available. I don’t know the exact answer to that. I will work as quickly as I can, but I am also trying to resettle myself in the great state of Maryland. Thank you for showing interest, and please be patient with me.
If you have any ideas or feedback that I might want to consider, please share.
Lonely Parenting
I was recently searching for toddler chairs online when I was pinged by a woman selling all of her belongings. She was leaving her job and moving with her children to Spain to be closer to some relatives. It was like we were switching spots. "I feel quite lonely here... I know it sounds insane," she said. Not to me.
I know the terror of holding your sick baby alone in an emergency room in a foreign country, wishing there was someone to comfort you while you comforted the child. I understand the sadness of filling out emergency contact forms for school enrollments and not knowing who to put after your spouse because you are both flights away from friends and family. I know what it's like to wish someone would be there to cook a dinner or make a lunch so you can get a break. It really does take a village to raise a child. Choosing (or having) to live life away from your village can be scary, exhausting, isolating, and wear on your mental health.
So when this woman told me she was leaving with her children and a few suitcases, we bonded over the reality that we were both experiencing lonely parenting. It can be tough, but at the same time, few things open the door to meeting other people and making new friends at my age like the unspoken understandings I can share with other moms and dads.
You are not alone. Do you have lonely parenting stories? Please share them with me to continue this topic.
Career Moves
I'm not going to write too much here because I have a few projects in progress, and as my Turkish husband would say, we need to ward off the "Nazar" or the "evil eye." 🧿 However, I will share this interesting tidbit.
For the first time in my life, during an interview, someone mentioned they are aiming to create an environment that is "psychologically safe" for employees.
I'm not sure if this person had read my column, but hearing that was intriguing and unprecedented in my interview experiences. It reassured me that there's awareness of this issue and efforts are being made to address it.
Have you ever heard someone say that in an interview? If so, please share the place, and maybe I can direct people to apply there.
What I am reading…
Your responses. Thank you so much for trusting me with your stories. I have been deeply moved by all of you.
One obvious thing I didn't mention in the article, which I probably should have, was therapy.
My therapist during this period was like a lifeline for me. I needed immediate help, and it was important for me to work with a woman of color who understood motherhood and was outside of my organization.
Sometimes, organizations will encourage you to work with their therapists, and there's nothing particularly wrong with that. However, I found that the therapists from the Department, sometimes have heard about certain types of behaviors so many times that, even though it is abhorrent, it begins to be normalized. Talking to the therapist from outside and seeing her shock at the behaviors and experiences I told her about helped me understand that, no, outside of the Department, this is not normal or acceptable.
She also gave me great tips, like reaching out to my network outside the Department, which was a really refreshing exercise.
Subscribe and Share
I hope you found this first newsletter helpful and engaging. Please share with any friends or family you think would be interested and feel free to buy me a coffee by subscribing if you got some use out of it.
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